個人檔案Ψ╭ 分叉路口。。 ╮Ψ相片部落格清單更多  |  工具 說明 |
Ψ╭ 分叉路口。。 ╮Ψ |
||||
|
17 September i wanna be strong..okay.. finally clarified all the misunderstandings............ thought things will be fine......... i had dat uncontrollable smile on my face when I saw him in the airport... why i am dat easy to be happy?... well, thought every thing is fine... like another little "start over"... until the next day... " i wanna go back...... too stressful here... " my tears were pouring out without i even noticing it... I guess i was just very disappointed... well anyway.. told him that if his heart is not here.. it's not fair for me.. maybe he u should go back.. he said.. oh ok let's not talk about it now.. so I thought allrite.. maybe he was just stressed out and missing his mom coz he just came back?.. alrlite .. let it go grace..
the next day.... he was all talking nice to me.......... " when u go to vet school in caribbean.. i wanan go back to stay with my mom".... what about me? a girl goes to dat far to study... everyone been asking " u go there alone?? he is not goin with ya?"... well everytime i replied with comforting myself on the side: " well, he has to do his business here.. it's not realistic to drag him to there with me.."
but now.... things got changed........ u go to caribbean and i go back to china... I'll come back when u back to US.. yeah after like 3 yhears? do we still know each other?.... why people treating me like a 5 years old or something?...... dont u think dat what if there's somethin happend to me? I am just alone in dat island..... won't be worrying about me? .. well, i am thinkin too much... on dat balance... i put too much weight on myself........ sometiems i wonder.. what de heck i am doing now?.. wasted soo much time and heart on this and dat.......got myself all stresed and hurt every where.. physically and mentally.....and end up with smth like this... i guess.. all i wish for is.... plz let me in .. jsut any vet school ASAP~~~~~.. oh well, guess not this time.. i couldn't even take my mcat! is god playin some trick on me? Y i had to meet dat stupid person wasted my chance for taking the last MCAT this year!..........................
I wanna be strong歌手：方皓玟 作曲：張繼聰 填詞：陳少琪 編曲：陳台證(a1) 算了我不想愛下去 12 September learning..woke up at 7:00am.. it's been awhile dat i just can't wake up later than 8... it's too early to call anyone atm... i decided to come here....
I've been thinking it's my BODY itself just automatically wakes me up everyday.. I tried to stay in bed but no matter how I turn around.. my chest feels like there's somethin HUGE layin on it.. okay.. so I tried to sleep on my stomach.. thought dat will take away the stress on my chest since it's on the top and pressing the bed... then my back.. especially the area aroudn my heart gets the same pressure as the chest.. I guess it's teling me dat .. get up.. i feel better if u can walk around.. so I GOT UP... then my heart feels like it's not in its right position anymore but alot lower than it..
should I visit a physician... umm then i thought maybe i should better visit a anger management place or some psychaitrists.. having this really really bad mood for the 2 weeks already..i know there's somethin wrong with me.. and i tried to think what made me become sooo easy to get frustrated... biologically.. hormone?? mentally.. stress... alot things happened.. and alot stuff I've experienced and alot things dat's waitin for me to do... SO i guess it's not too much about hormones then..
sometimes I wonder... is it really my fault to make him can argue with me like dat?? Even a simple question can turn on a fight.. especially things related to money.. why money has to kick in the way .. and it's a huge problem between anyone.. frd and frd.. gf and bf... husband and wife.... no matter how good a frdsihp it used to be.... how good a couple is the most of time.. when this thing comes in... it's just tearing everything up in pieces....
ummm.... well, maybe i was being immature.. coz I always expect him to put me on the top of his list... always expect he should always compromise me... always comfort me when I m mad or sad even I am the one making no sense sometimes but hey I dont know dat by myself... always waits for an apology or simply a STOP when i start cryiny.... or a call or a txt msg when he knows my system mess me up after every fight... Once i said.... I dont ask too much... but it seems it's alot......... and I am just freaking dreaming for all these things to be happened... well maybe it's just me being selfish... I am sure there are girls doing all these stuff to their sig others instead of expectin from them... oh well...
well, have a test in about 3 hours... ha ... interesting enough... I thought no matter what.. when i woke up.. i should at least get a email or txt msg saying.. hey good luck.. ima sorry or something... again... I think too much...
from now on.... no matter what's gonna happen.. together or not... this one or next... i shold make myself happier... not to concern too much about other people's shits.. be more independent..... dont get all stressed out when he isn't here or anything... except parents... everyone shuld learn to live without anyone.. and not just to live.. but live it up!
oh btw... 09/09/09.... congrad to people who had a good time dat day... or at least to be touched they had a chance to spend it together coz there's no way in anyone's life wil encounter such a special day.. maybe it's not too special... still 24 hours a day.. not even a minute more..
30 March ...wanna hide in somewhere.......been busy since the first day of school...
basically the first 2 weeks was all about tryin to get in the classes I really wanted.. runnin around in campus feelin like a freshman again.. but i know i am too too old for that..
So.. finally got all those done.. taking 3 classes and 3 labs.. thought it'd be all easy work.. but oh my.. homeworks... tests.. quizes.. oh and lab reports! they way they grade on reports are really different from univeristy... so it makes me feel like i am taking 6 classes...
Here comes the first midterms.. didn't do well at all.. I didn't know what went wrong... okay maybe i was nervous or just didn't study enough... already couldn't get enough sleep.. 5 to 6 hours the most...well i do take a nap between classes if i had a chance...
after those first midterms... more hw and reports due.. 5 to 6 hours again.. and i basically studied every sec I had.. I was really really really tired.. I started to miss the old days in China..food on the table after school.. and days in Irvine too.. mom prepared food and I didn't have to spend extra time or energy to cook at all.. now it's different..
umm about 2 or 3 weeks ago.. felt somethin wrong with me neck.. it was swollen.. and i know it's not my throat...it's somethin about my thyroid.. i asked around and people say maybe I am just too stressed out.. and I really should control my temper.. YEAH.. sounds easy.. but i'm pretty outta control.......and i mean it..
My dad keeps asking about my thyroid stuff everyday.. " when r u going to visit ur doc?!".. I just told him dat i really dont have time... but honestly.. i just dont wanna take any med.. or whatever.. it's enough... so i thought maybe i shuld just try to be abit happier.. less stressful and it'll go away.. but who de hell gonna give me a break?? I told him just please please not to yell with me for little things.. i can be nonsenese sometimes coz I was really really stressed out, but just ignore me abit and I'll be fine after like 5 mins..
umm..but nothin is expected..imagin that crying, screamming and throwing stuff at 2 am or 3 am in the morning, got all hurt and exhausted.. then 5 hours later.. a long day is waitin... i know my temper got really horrible lately... I seriously felt bad after every time i burst out... it hurt others and myself... my neck was burning the next morning.. arms hurt like I worked out 3 hours or somethin... chest felt like there's a big rock layin on it... well still to a limit that I could manage to survive through the day... so maybe i am indeed very healthy.......???
After 2 or 3 those kinda rough nites.. finally I think i really should visit the doc.. did blood work and ultrasound.. nth really a big deal.. just a little cyst on my thyroid gland. I was relieved..but abit disappointed.. coz I expected smth serious.. ha..sounds childish and stupid.. but yeah.. after my grandma passed away.. the happiest time I had was when I had the surgery...
so life goes on... another 2 weeks of school.. and it was like hell.... but i realized something that I really get those science stuff now.. they make alot more sense to me now than back in UCI.. No one have to tell me.. hey u need to study! I just kept counting the days left for spring break.. kept telling myself dat U CAN TAKE A REST SOON!
and now.. here.. the first day of my spring break... took mcat on Sat.. went to the beach right after the test... it was nice but i was really tired.. woke up at 4 and came back around 1pm .. fortunately my mom was in ym place and cooked something for us.. it was all nice chatting until she started telling me i havea lot to do for spring break.. nad i got freak out and started yelling.. It was one of those burst again.. i felt really bad afterward.. i really didn't mean dat.. and i am glad she didn't blame me and she knows i was just really tired...
Went out and came back around 1..but had another big fight with him at night.. maybe i was being nonsense to him? but i didn't think I was really that unreasonable.. so again.. at 3 am.. yelling.. screaming.. oh this time.. not so much yelling from me.. coz i was tired.. not STRONG or HEALTHY enough to do it twice a day... but i went to the living room and cried my heart out till like what... 5 or 6?.. woke up at 9 on the sofa.. and now i ended up typing this thing.. all i can say is... i really feel..phyiscally my heart is hurting... not too much hurting in feelings.. i guess i am well trained...
How much I want to relax and go somewhere in spring break? If I dont plan anything.. there will be nothing... HOW I just want there's someone planned some event for me, and i dont have to think and plan by myself... I consider myself not those bad girls who don't deserve things like this...or i guess nowdays.. only those girls deserve this kinda treatment?!
i am just soo tired... and i have to put a happy face to my mom, and i dont want to call my dad coz i know i would be all crying on the phone... dont want them to worry too much... they are the only ones left in this world who really care me the most....who will be there whenever i need them.. and who truely love me the way I AM....
anyway... i just hope this wont be an everyday ACTIVITY for my spring break.. I AM TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4 January wishin for a better start一直都想写一个新的blog, just for the sake of new year.. 但想想没什么值得留念的, 有一些很深刻的回忆
没什么好不好的, 只能怪本命年的错.. 其实想想有好多都不开心的事情可以写在这里...写到天亮都可以..
那有能怎么样呢?... 到最后觉得都是自己的问题.. 如果我可以独立, 可以不再自寻烦恼,
可以勇敢放下一切做我想做的事情, 可能我这一年, 或最近几年都不会变的现在的自己....
人长大之后是要面临很多难题, 周围的人和环境都在变... 以前我不会理会家里的事情, 但现在我要考虑好多... 爸爸妈妈怎么办?
我唯一的亲人... 以后要还像现在一样跑来跑去吗.. 可能是奶奶的关系, 我现在变得好怕失去任何人.. 但谁又会理解呢?
可能会觉得我想太多, 但我真的没有办法控制我自己...
有的时候好羡慕别人过得那么开心... 虽然他们做的不是我想要的.... 但还会变的嫉妒心越来越强, 真的很讨厌现在的自己..
感觉在哪里都找不到那种快乐, feeling like i dont belong to anywhere......
只希望新的一年会有好的转变....... 可能有些事情不会解决, but i will try to be happy.........
19 September a change...Seems nothin's been going well for alot people lately.. economic crisis (just the beginning).. natural disasters (earthquacks.. hurricane..).. Fortuantely, none of these things had directly affected my life so far...
BUT..... there are other stuff I've seen really changed somethin about me... Maybe it's a good change means I finally grow up abit.. or it's a bad change turns me to a cold person... For the "grown up" part.. I realized that when you don't have the ability to help someone... all you can do is to show ur sympathy. OR simply occupy ur mind with other stuff so you don't have to be bothered.. JUST FACE THE REALITY..
For the "cold person" part.. is.. just it's not the ME i used to be.. I would say " u r such a cold person" if I encountered someone doing what I've been kinda doing lately.. BUT what else i can do.. except sittin there and givin up coz what I've done didn't help a thing..... anyway.... I just wish everythin will go smoonthly for wutever they are dealing with... I hope they know I truely wanted to help and how much I heart them..
umm..,. here is somethin else.. Had alot dreams lately hehe.. yes.. my ridiculous dreams.. about missions of findin a monster-like killer with my frds and bf... adventure in a water park with my grandma and frds... and some other old dreams come back w/ familiar stories to confuse me more ... OH WELL.. .. people say they can't sleep well when they had a dream..for me. hehe no one can wake me up when I was having a dream! Maybe I should start a blog dat's only about my dreams..hehe
What else I've done.. umm..... weekdays..have to go to chiropractor 3 times per week, except dat.. pretty much tried to study for MCAT and doing problems to prove how much i dont know about the mateiral.. I just hope i have the photocopy memory so I dont have to read it again and again! At night.... been watching the MOONLIGHT RESONANCE drama .. tears over my face for almost every episode... what's the point of watchin it when it makes me so sad? i donno.. probably there are things remind me my experiences...
Weekend.... Always wanna go sing K..but never carried out any plans... just been playing wii w/ my frd.. and yeah WE BROKE SOME WORLD OLYMPIC RECORDS! PLz dont try as hard as we did... we almost break our arms tor beat those records haha.. umm.. oh I went to bowling w/ bf's frd.. thought it would be boring coz didn't really like it the first time I went to bowling here.. but we had fun indeed... I played soo bad at de beginnin.. but found my own style (THROW IT AS HARD AS I COULD!) and scored okay in the end keke...
AND HERE THE BIG NEWS>... I RIDE ON THE TANDEM BIKE TODAY IN SANTA MONICA!!!
I was longing for this for a longggg time... but I was such coward that I didn't dare to try coz i dont even know how to ride a normal BIcycle... All I had was TRIcycle when i was little... I didn't know it was SOOOO EASY as long as the one who stays in the back doesn't get nervous.. so the bike is balanced by the one sit in the front.. sigh! i was soooooooo sooooo excited! I tried the freehand style acted like I was a professional biker.. KEKE! We had it for an hour, my legs hurt now but it's worth it! We played on the beach afterward...made my childhood favorite SAND CAKE WITH SAND BALLS!! Anyway! I had soo much fun today.. thx to Froggiee :) keke
|
|
|||
|
|
